It's really hard admitting that you've fucked up. I think this is a universal human trait, I may be wrong, but owning one's mistakes seems to be one of the more difficult things I've experienced, either in myself, or in those around me. And today, I need to woman up and admit that I have fucked up. Huge.

For the past two years or so, my relationship with alcohol has been getting progressively more problematic. Particularly when I drink alone. Besides the fact that I am taking medication that contraindicates any alcohol consumption, at all, I have a history of self medicating with alcohol. I had been rationalizing and consoling myself that I only got drunk at home, don't drive when drinking, and am not hurting anyone else. Except that's not really true is it? 

Not only am I not going to be a good mother if Wildflower Child needs me when I am inebriated, I am hurting the people I care about by lashing out at them in the midst of drunken dark hours. Last night I polished off two bottles of wine. I remember nothing after opening the second bottle. I apparently had two phone conversations based on my cell phone records, and got very toxic in my communication with people I truly care about. I am horrified and ashamed by my own behavior. I have this idea of myself as a good person, but that person that I was last night, is most definitely not a good person. She is someone I do not want to be for another moment. I would completely understand if I was cut out of the lives I bulldozed into in my blackout. I am 100 percent at fault and would honestly deserve it. I have absolutely no one to blame but myself. And the worst part is, I honestly do not remember anything. 

Today in church I was installed in the new Pastoral Care Team that my congregation is building. My role as a member in this team is to offer spiritual care to those in need. How can I authentically be a helping, healing, presence, when I am so hurtful to those closest to me? I can't. I need to make a change, and today is the day that is starting. I will no longer consume alcohol because for whatever reason, I have once again lost my ability to navigate safely my own emotional minefields when I drink. I will no longer consume alcohol because I absolutely hate the person I become when I am drunk. I will no longer consume alcohol because I DO NOT NEED IT TO BE HAPPY. I will no longer consume alcohol because I'm tired of not knowing what I said or who I might have hurt. I will no longer consume alcohol because I want to be the better version of me I know I can be. I will no longer consume alcohol because I am responsible for someone else's life and I cannot risk mine in such a manner. I will no longer consume alcohol because I do not have a healthy relationship with it. I will no longer consume alcohol. 

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I have been lingering in a sort of limbo since I moved to Florida in October 2017. I am still unemployed, though I have been looking (not as intently as I could, but I am putting myself out there). I have only just recently found a Primary Care Physician for myself and the Wildflower Child, even though I found a veterinarian for my dog immediately. Still need a dentist, therapist, neurologist, and eye doctor. 

There has been some dating. And after a lot of ugly nights involving texting and phone calls, I truly have made piece with my ex from New Jersey and we are getting along as legitimate friends, probably for the first time in our relationship. And this seems to have coincided with us independently starting to move forward in our own lives. 

I finally found a goal worth working toward after joining my local Unitarian Universalist Church. I meet an incredible woman who is ordained by One Spirit Interfaith Seminary and I am hoping to be able to apply for their distance learning program next year. I am also on the Religious Education and Pastoral Care teams in my church. I just dove right in didn't I? 

So, saying all that, you might think I'm some sort of stuffy "Church Lady" eh? Have you read my former posts? Because the answer to that is "absolutely not." I'm deeply agnostic, mostly Pagan, frustrated by most "Christians," and not really interested in any dogma. But I feel a tug in my heart I need to follow. And so I am. I am "officially" ordained by the Universal Life Church, but that's just a paper ordination. I feel the need to do this process fully and truly commit the time and resources it takes to be the best version of me I can be. I want to help people. And I believe that this is the way I will be able to achieve that goal. 

In the mean time, I am trying to get my health under control (migraines have been kicking my ass regularly), and taking care of the human and canine lives for which I am responsible. And just in general attempting to be less hard on myself as I try to be a better person today than I was yesterday.