time to change

It's really hard admitting that you've fucked up. I think this is a universal human trait, I may be wrong, but owning one's mistakes seems to be one of the more difficult things I've experienced, either in myself, or in those around me. And today, I need to woman up and admit that I have fucked up. Huge.

For the past two years or so, my relationship with alcohol has been getting progressively more problematic. Particularly when I drink alone. Besides the fact that I am taking medication that contraindicates any alcohol consumption, at all, I have a history of self medicating with alcohol. I had been rationalizing and consoling myself that I only got drunk at home, don't drive when drinking, and am not hurting anyone else. Except that's not really true is it? 

Not only am I not going to be a good mother if Wildflower Child needs me when I am inebriated, I am hurting the people I care about by lashing out at them in the midst of drunken dark hours. Last night I polished off two bottles of wine. I remember nothing after opening the second bottle. I apparently had two phone conversations based on my cell phone records, and got very toxic in my communication with people I truly care about. I am horrified and ashamed by my own behavior. I have this idea of myself as a good person, but that person that I was last night, is most definitely not a good person. She is someone I do not want to be for another moment. I would completely understand if I was cut out of the lives I bulldozed into in my blackout. I am 100 percent at fault and would honestly deserve it. I have absolutely no one to blame but myself. And the worst part is, I honestly do not remember anything. 

Today in church I was installed in the new Pastoral Care Team that my congregation is building. My role as a member in this team is to offer spiritual care to those in need. How can I authentically be a helping, healing, presence, when I am so hurtful to those closest to me? I can't. I need to make a change, and today is the day that is starting. I will no longer consume alcohol because for whatever reason, I have once again lost my ability to navigate safely my own emotional minefields when I drink. I will no longer consume alcohol because I absolutely hate the person I become when I am drunk. I will no longer consume alcohol because I DO NOT NEED IT TO BE HAPPY. I will no longer consume alcohol because I'm tired of not knowing what I said or who I might have hurt. I will no longer consume alcohol because I want to be the better version of me I know I can be. I will no longer consume alcohol because I am responsible for someone else's life and I cannot risk mine in such a manner. I will no longer consume alcohol because I do not have a healthy relationship with it. I will no longer consume alcohol. 

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