Being "That mom"

For the first time in the Wildflower Child's three years of public schooling, she brought home an assignment that I simply couldn't get behind. I'm not talking about core curriculum math or something about religious tolerance or Columbus Day (I've come close with Columbus day). This was something that probably most people don't realize can be a traumatic subject. 

Family Tree. 

My daughter had a three page handout from the teachers that she was to fill out "with your parents help" about her birth story and her family tree. The birth story part asked who was there and the family tree was a blank template that was ordered like this: 

SELF:
SISTER:
SISTER:
SISTER:
BROTHER:
BROTHER:
BROTHER:
MOM:
DAD:
MOM'S MOM:
MOM'S DAD:
DAD'S MOM:
DAD'S DAD:

And that's when I started to have an anxiety attack. 

Any readers of this blog know there aren't many good feelings about my daughter's father. That extends to his family as well. Having to write down the names of people I want NOTHING to do with and have that included in her school project was not fun. I debated for two days before sending the following email to her main teacher. 

Dear Ms. Pawlowski, 
​Dear Ms. P-. 

V- has filled out the template provided for the family tree project as it was laid out, but I did want to bring some issues to your attention as I am very uncomfortable with this assignment. 

V- has a non-traditional family. I am her sole legal parent and we live with my father and step-mother. She sees her father rarely and only for a few hours at a time and he is actually petitioning to not pay child support or the thousands of dollars of arrears. Having anything to do with her father and his side of the family is frankly traumatic for me especially as I am going into court again because of his negligence next month. She did include him and his parents in the template because she needed to fill up the spaces, but she also included my step-mother as she has been my main mother and Veronica's main grandmother her entire life. And you should know that the her father isn't even allowed on school grounds to pick up or drop off Veronica or attend school events. 

Honestly, as a genealogical project, I understand the "traditional family" template... But even that itself made me uncomfortable as I know personally children who do not have a mother and a father even on their birth certificate (single parents and same-sex parents) and wonder if there are other children in the second grade at *** who would find themselves in the same situation.  

I've spent a large part of the weekend debating even bringing up my concerns as I don't want to come off confrontational. I simply wanted to alert you to the discomfort this project has raised in my family and I hope that there aren't others similarly impacted. 

Thank you for your attention. 

Sincerely, 

​Kir

I was very nervous about how this note would be received. And I know it isn't as polished as I would have liked if I had written it in a less emotional state. I got much less worried when I received the response this afternoon. 

​Hi Ms. Williams,
Dear Ms. - 

Thank you so much for reaching out to us. I shared this with Mrs. E- and we both feel awful-- about V-'s personal situation but also about the traditional format of the template. You are absolutely correct and we truly thank you for bringing this to our attention. We really should have made it a more open template-- one in which the children could choose whom to include. We spoke with V-- she pointed out that there are two names for "Mom's Mom"- and we assured her that it is absolutely fine, that we want everyone to include the important people in their lives. Going forward, we will make the project less of a family tree and more like "the important people in my "family."  We apologize for the discomfort we caused you this weekend and thank you for letting us know so that we can correct this going forward! 


Mrs. P- and Mrs. E-

I didn't want to make a huge issue, but this was so very important to me to point out to a second grade teacher in 2016. Family doesn't mean one thing. Family comes in all shapes and sizes and colours and combinations. It is vital to recognize the delightful variety that family can be. 

I did respond immediately. 

Dear Ms. P-,

Thank you so much for your response and openness regarding this issue. I think with a more open format Veronica would have listed our household and my biological mother and called it a day to be honest. I'm actually afraid of her paternal grandfather and have never let her be alone with him, of course you wouldn't know that, but having to go over the spelling of his name and the Senior/Junior things... It was a rough time. Veronica only includes her father in school projects if he's been around recently, which he has, but he disappears for months at a time.
I'm very glad that going forward the project can be adjusted for all families and I'm sure the children will have fun with it.

Thank you again. So very much.

​Kir

Yes, I have aired a lot of personal issues in these notes, but I felt it was important to make a point of why a project like this can be damaging. I am very pleased to see that my note has made an impact and perhaps other families can avoid the discomfort that I've experienced due to a simple blank template that made assumptions about my child's life. 

So that's how I became "That Mom" and made a little difference. I hope that other parents aren't hesitant to stand up to what they think is right. As long as they aren't being dicks. Because, don't be a dick. 

Best part of this whole experience was talking to Wildflower Child in bed tonight and her saying that she has "A mom, and grandparents, and... kind of... but not really... a dad. He's not around much..." 

​She's getting it. But she's okay. As I tell her often, it's her and I, forever, and always.