I am in a situation currently that is beyond painful and I don't know what to do. I am very lucky that I have gotten into therapy and have appointments scheduled, and the therapists are supportive and understanding. However, as I've mentioned previously, I have a lot of issues in my life that have to be addressed. The one causing the most anguish right now, is my relationship status.
I wish I was a person who didn't feel deeply. I really do. I would think, if I looked at my history on paper, that I wouldn't. That I would be able to walk away from anyone that caused me pain without a backward glance, but I cannot. I have met a few people in my life in which the connection was virtually instantaneous. And it was reciprocal, at least in the short term. I do not change myself drastically for the people in my life. As a human being I am as much a chameleon as anyone, there are different facets of my personality that have to be on display in different situations; professional, personal, maternal.... For the most part however, I try to be as true to myself, or my idea of myself, as possible. I don't hide that I am a geek, though if I haven't read your favorite comic, I won't lie and say I did. I love the things I love, don't like the things I don't like, and will let you know. And for the most part, the people I come across appear to appreciate my honesty and openness.
I have met two people in the last several years that I was immediately drawn to. The commonalities were amazing, and the differences were enough to keep conversation and interest going. One of them has become my best friend and the person I can send messages to in the middle of the night or talk to online for hours and will hopefully always be there, as I will always be there. The other, I've been dating since this summer. Or had been.
Communication has stopped as of the middle of last week. I know that on their end the world looks bleak and they need "space" to figure out what is going on in their own head, and I want very much to respect that situation. I want to be able to say "I understand" without tasting the vomit those words bring to my throat. I want to say so many things, but I am not being heard. I have sent a handful of messages over the last several days with no response and I feel as though I am shouting into the abyss "please hear me! Please accept my love!"
Of course I cannot force anyone to love me. I can do nothing. In this situation, love is not enough, and the relationship is not a two-way street. I am stuck in limbo and I am broken.
There is so much I want to say. Things I feel deeply that I want the other person to feel from me. And things I would regret immediately upon utterance.
I want to say:
I hate you. But that is a total lie, because I don't hate you at all.
You are being an asshole. Which possibly true, isn't your intention, and would be cruel.
This is abusive. Again, not the intent, so would be cruel and demeaning to say.
I need you. Can't say that, don't want to put more on your plate than you already have.
I want you. I've said this, it has not been responded to, saying it again would be begging.
I love you. This is true, and has been said over and over. But if it can't be accepted, what is the point?
Don't leave me. Again, I cannot force anyone to do what I want, if they don't want it as well.
Please don't leave me. Begging gets one nowhere.
I will do anything. I can't promise that, no one can. I would do a lot, I would help if you let me, but there are things out of my control that make this a lie.
Just, fucking, listen to me! Not okay Kir. Not okay.
I wish I had answers. All I have is silence. I want so much for things to go my way for once, as there is a long history of settling for what other people want instead of having my chance. For once I've tried standing up and fighting for something that matters me to me, and all that came of it, was nothing. I'm holding on by my fingertips trying to "stay positive" as the people around me suggest, "Don't give up." What can I do but succumb and wait and dread and hope. Prepare for the worst.
A quote from "Carnivale," - "Pray to God, but row for shore."
I'm rowing, but I don't have a compass and I don't have anyone to take the oars when I am exhausted. All I can do is stare in to the dark and try to find a light.
And if, by chance, any of my messages are received, I hope that my love is the clearest thing heard.
I'm Kirsten. Some things you could label me with; tattooed, geek, mama, animal lover, weirdo, nerd, writer, movie and TV addict, lazy, ambitious, insomniac, feminist, LGBTQ+.